Through The Difficult Times

It is easy for me to get discouraged and down about certain things. Usually, when I'm going through a difficult time a lot happens all at once. I feel bombarded. That pressure can frustrate me and make me feel like nothing is moving forward. When I see that things don't seem to be moving forward, I get hard on myself and discouraged. It is the worst feeling, especially as a single mother. There isn't someone around to share the troubles with. There isn't always someone to bounce ideas off of. It can literally feel like it is just me. I have to remember though, that I'm not alone. God is always here. He also has begun bringing the right people in my life to help my perspective and I'm thankful for that. This year I have been in a huge battle, spiritual, with where I am with God and what He is doing in my life. What is He trying to show me? What is he trying to tell me? This part of my life has been difficult. I realize though, I made it more difficult than necessary. If I would just clearly hear what He says, things shouldn't be this hard. When God is telling you something, telling you to do something, there is peace with it. It just flows, it isn't difficult.

My move back to Florida has been just that. Everything, down to how much I needed financially flowed, literally. I heard audibly across the state line "Welcome Home." However, the warfare has been great upon being here. God has straightened out most things once they come. I have to believe that something greater is on the horizon because I have come against a lot of opposition. For everything that seemed to flow seamlessly, another obstacle occurs. However, as soon as the obstacle occurs, I noticed God would show me a way out or navigate it for me. The Lesson: "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5 This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible and God is really showing me to trust Him. I've had so many issues with trust, He is pushing me to at this point. I just got to believe the difficulties will pass and the blessings not only will come on the other side but to acknowledge the blessings now...

Get to Happy!

It's easy to succumb to sadness, depression, hurt, pain and look at everything has gone wrong in your life and how you can fix or change it. I can relate. I am my biggest critic! Sometimes, that means looking at all the failures and mistakes and beating myself up. However, God doesn't work like that. He knows the mistakes we will make before we make them and still loves us the same. It is time we learn to love ourselves the same way. Love you for who you are! No one else can be like you, no one else is you! No one else is you Nathifa! Sometimes, it is necessary to have a self pep-talk.

Life is hard. Obstacles get in the way. Life throws you curveballs that you didn't see coming. You can look over your life and replay how you could have changed this situation here, or if I didn't tell so and so this, maybe...it is so easy to fall into this trap of madness! Perfectionist, like myself, are the worst ones. I have moments to myself such as: If I didn't move here, my life would be here instead...One example of this is my nursing degree. For those who knows me personally knows I'm a Licensed Practical Nurse. And I'm damned proud! However, I wanted to become a Registered Nurse since I was 16. Well life, threw curveballs at me. The first time I realized this, I was already in a Medical Assistant program in high school and my grades weren't high enough to attend the Licensed Practical Nursing program back then. No worries. Fast forward to college, I had a 3.4 GPA, after going around in circles about taking certain pre-requisites for the nursing program. When the time came for me to take my entrance exam, after three excruciating years of pre-reqs and working 2 jobs, I decided that the test was too hard, I didn't study, and I chose to not take it at the last minute. I remember my Mom asking me why would I do that? I panicked! Like, panicked something terrible. I also thought I had time. I had no idea the following year my mother would be diagnosed with a disease that would take her life the same year. Nor did I expect to be in an abusive relationship. I didn't expect the pregnancy the following year, just 6 months of her passing. I didn't know that life was going throw so much junk into the mix! You name it: I was abused emotionally, mentally, and the physical was about to raise its ugly head. I eventually got out of it and the other things like my savings being depleted, the water turned off, lights cut off, living in an empty shell of a home with a 2-month-old and the other parent not helping. I soon became a single, homeless, mother.

Circumstances came in like a flood! But, I just knew that I knew I was supposed to become a nurse. So I moved to Florida. That, in itself, was the most beautiful, horrible, gut-wrenching, life-changing, breath of fresh air years of my life. I mean I had hit many a low and went many a high. I moved on with my life and eventually went back to school. This time with a different mindset, even though I was still in yet another struggle of single motherhood and eviction! Yep, the beginning of the LPN program started off very, very rough. Add a breakup (that later made up, smh), with some help from friends and some help not from friends, and eventually, I had major support from the group mentioned above and I got through. I literally made it. I had to sacrifice a great deal to get to that point. My son was gone for most of the following summer with my Dad and cousins (he was only 4). I had missed his birthday because I went from dropping him off first thing in the morning, going to work, then to school, and bringing him a cupcake 9:30 at night. The struggle of it all made a full circle when I walked across the stage. How, do I get to the next step of RN though?

I went ahead and decided to go back to school right away (BIG MISTAKE)! I was starting a new job (not nursing), studying for boards, and taking 5 classes. All while still single parenting. Not my best decision. I reaped the consequences of that pretty quickly. Although I did well with work and passed my boards, I failed 3 classes miserably and barely passed the fourth, and dropped the 5th class. Bit off way more than I could possibly chew.

So, I finally got a chance 2 years later to finally get this RN program down and finished. I was so excited when I got an email from my old Nursing school with their partnership with another school. Night program, I could work it around my work my schedule, and my son was in school so it should be easy this time right? Wrong! I was going through a horrible break up. I was distancing myself from different people, I felt like I was going through my own personal hell. To stop crying, I threw myself into work and school. Outside of my son, that is literally all I felt I had. I was unhappy and felt alone. I just thought that this would at least be my saving grace. The first semester was difficult and I barely passed. The second semester seemed to go off without a hitch but I began having so much financial trouble. It seemed after Hurricane Irma, I just couldn't get my bills together. My son was in daycare but the owner became a flake and was doing things I couldn't agree upon. I had to report her. Which meant, my work schedule and school schedule went down the tubes. My finances were drying up quickly and couldn't understand what and why this was happening now...

Here I am 6 months later. My graduation would of been this month and I would of finished the nursing program the day before my birthday. I had so many other things happen since (I won't discuss today) and it just made me feel like my hope was gone. However, with God He can restore your hope, your joy, your peace! I know that I'm not just writing this for others but I'm also writing it for myself. It's not worth it to beat up yourself about the mistakes. All you can do now is move forward. What's done is done! What has happened, happened.

I have a new start this upcoming week. It hasn't fully hit yet but probably will when it begins. This time I'll put one foot in front of the other. I'll keep my eyes focused on the One who knows all. I'll be the best Mommy I can be. It is time to get back my joy and get back to happy!