The Struggle

I'm just going to put this as #thestruggle because I know what it is like to struggle regularly. I'm honest with myself and I'll be honest with you, I don't have it all together. And for people to believe I do are just plain crazy. I can disguise it, I could play it off, but I could be a walking hot mess at times, lol. I don't say it to belittle myself, I know I've come a far, long way. I'm just honest with myself. This week has reminded me of #thestruggle being so real! I mean, since Monday, everything that can go wrong has gone wrong! It is driving me insane. I'm trying to get my son enrolled in a private school and just trying to get his documents sent to the school has been the biggest nightmare and school starts in a week! Talk about my anxiety being 1000 right now! I do not like to do things last minute! Then I'm still getting his before and after school arrangements down pat, summer camp is costing an arm and a leg and I'm like can I please be done now?! I just don't have it this week! I'm scraping the pennies together people? Robbing Peter to pay Paul. The struggle is real! Single parenting is soooooo hard. And it is upsetting at times that people expect you to just have it all together, have all your finances in order, and just deal with it. Give me a break! I'm one parent taking care of a growing kid. Let's not talk about this current 4-6 month growth spurt (currently in one now-ugh!) And bills, my own classes starting two weeks ago, a temporary move, and training at my job and you guessed it-hot mess!! I'm so tired man but I have to push myself. I've work 6 days this week. My body has been killing me (possible bilateral ear infection, left knee swelling, and some inflammation in my right hip-the nurse in me).  I had my other job call me yesterday to come in and I was all for it until the day got going and my body was like, girlllllll bye! Please have several seats! It is no joke. I'll keep it real, I know I am doing a lot better than other people. My father always reminds me, we aren't doing that bad. And he is right! For all the stuff that a single mom or dad goes through, it could be worse. We could be homeless (which we have been before), we could have no car to get around and have to walk everywhere (been there and done that in New York and Florida), we could have absolutely nothing to eat (don't even get me started on that). Single life as a parent is hard! I really try to give my son the best of everything and give him the illusion that we are well off-please that doesn't work all the time. He is 8 now and too smart for his own good. I know he sees his Mom working and I get the regular questions: Mommy can you stay home today? Mommy, can you pick me up early? Mommy, why do you have to go to work so much? One day, he will get it. I got it with my Mom. I just had to be a parent myself before I got it. I just hope he doesn't struggle the way I did and learn the lessons I didn't. That is all a parent can pray and hope for, after all right?

Doubting Thomas

John 20: 24, 27-29:"...So he said to them, 'Unless I see in His hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe...Then He said to Thomas, "Reach your finger here, and look at My hands; and reach your hand here, and put it into My side. Do not be unbelieving, but believing. And Thomas answered and said to Him, "My Lord and my God! Jesus said to him, 'Thomas, because you have seen Me, you have believed. Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" NKJV

Doubting Thomas just didn't believe Jesus rose again! At all!!! Like, he literally said if I can't put my finger in the print of His hand, I won't truly believe it is Jesus. Wow! Bold right?! Well, guess what? I'm just as bold and quite frankly it is rude of me to be that bold! And can I also say, naive! I can't speak about anyone else but surely, I can speak about my own experiences. There are times I doubted God so much I wonder to myself why does He bother with me and my mess, lol. Like, seriously? I mean even today. There is a situation I'm currently going through, and God told me the reaction I'm expecting will be the opposite. And do you know it, a little doubt crept in? SMH at me. I should be ashamed and I am. Other times I'm just living in fear. Which is crazy because God has done so much and brought me through so much. Especially, this last year. He has been dealing with me with areas of my heart that I didn't realize I was going through. He also has me a season of spiritual cleaning. As far as people, places, and things.  He is getting rid of a lot of things to get me to where He wants me to be. So why do I doubt?

Well, I need to remember to realize that God is not like man. Please, read that one again. I know I need to, often! He is not a man who should lie. He doesn't just give promises and not keep them like people do. In all the disappointment with people, God doesn't disappoint us. He loves us too much to not tell us the truth and to not give us the truth. I thank God for His patience with me and all my emotional mess. I know without Him, I wouldn't be where I am now. I am so thankful, that He isn't like man. He is patient, loving, kind, and understanding. He knows the doubts I have and still gives me reminders, some gentle and some not so gentle :-). I know it is necessary though because I know I need to be checked with my thoughts, my mind. I also have to continue to remember that although some promises have not come to pass, it doesn't mean it won't. He is a promise keeper.

Habbakkuk 2:3 "For the vision is yet for an appointented time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, it will not tarry." NKJV

Forgiveness

I learned over the years that forgiveness is for the person who chooses to forgive. What if it isn't just about that person but the other party you choose to forgive? Yes, you can say well what if the person isn't sorry. That's fair. However, stop to think of you choosing to forgive someone else is in essence freeing the person to no longer feel guilty for what they have done. What if this is allowing the other person to move on also. Anyone can hurt you, it takes a bigger person to say sorry and say I forgive you.

Growing up, I lived with my mom. She was with my Dad but they weren't married and didn't live together. That dynamic was difficult. Add the constant arguing and there was a lot of hurt and anger. And not enough forgiveness. I grew up in this. I listened to my Dad say sorry like it was just an every day word. I wondered to myself most days if he was. I know my mom never really believed him. Generally, we mimic what our parents do. So when someone hurt me as I got older, hearing the word sorry didn't really mean anything. So listening to someone else tell me "I'm sorry" didn't always have the affect the other party expected. It was just another word to me.

Take this moment to think back to those two simple words and add forgiveness to it. What's your concept? Maybe, it's time to change your perspective. I know it's time to change mine.


"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14