Mommyhood

I struggle a lot with being a single mom.  To some it may seem I have this down pat but honestly, I'm just learning as the days go by. It's tough. I'm grateful to have my son. It's difficult though when you don't know what to do for him or how to help him. He is currently struggling with some things right now. First, stories regarding his Dad and what his little mind thought it was. Then as time went on, relationships that ended that affected him and it manifested itself this year. We have had a lot of transition in 2018 and it was difficult for him to adjust. I figured that would be the case. However, others opinions were, of he will be fine. Kids adjust quickly. They don't! Children loves a routine! I know for a fact my son does, so all the interruption in our lives during the past year and a half has been hard. I pray for him and with him, cry with him and for him,  speak to him,  discipline him, but this week, I honestly just felt helpless. I got uncles, grandparents, and aunties involved but overall this is a process I wasn't ready for. I'm hoping, over time, things will get better. Until then, I'll continue to reassure him that God and I will forever be his constant.

Hope Deferred...

I wonder why God has me in a certain season. I'm currently in one I don't fully understand or grasp and I would love for it to come to a head. Or to at least understand why I'm in this current season. Lord forgive my impatience. God told me something this morning. It does not only makes sense to me but it quite frankly contradicts things currently. It is quite frustrating (in my flesh) for God to tell you something that is supposed to come to pass and it seems like you are further and further from His promises. Of course, I know His promises are yes and Amen and He doesn't lie nor repents. But God, I have no idea what You are doing! The situation, to me, is dead. However, God has a way of bringing certain things back to life that we ourselves could never see nor understand. Maybe one day, I will get my answer. Until then, I'll continue to seek Him and His promises. The ones that are coming to pass, I'll continue to trust and believe in that. The ones, however, that are still in the works I'll just leave it with You (no matter how difficult it is to me) and trust, that as always, You will have the final say. Amen.

Friendships

Hello readers! Happy New Year to all! It's been a pretty busy several weeks for me. I have been in transition and trying to get life in place for my son and myself! I just wanted to share some thoughts I had this morning about friendship. 

We all have them. I hope everyone has a few good friends, at least. I had a conversation with my son about friends and how to know who is and who isn't your friend. He is only 8. At 8, that innocence won't let you see through someone else's true intentions. In conversation, I held my hand up and explained to him that as he gets older, his true friends will be counted on his one hand.

It got me to thinking about my own friendships over the years. I have some friends that I've known and been tight with since I was a little girl. In my 33 years of living, they have shown what true friendship is like. Then I've had friendships that have grown apart. Though it hurt, God does know what's best for us and what we need in every season. Speaking of seasons, I had quite a few seasonal friendships. Unfortunately, because I hold on so tightly to people, the fall out was pretty bad. Overall, they aren't bad people.  The friendship for what it was, was great. It may not have lasted forever but it was necessary for the time and place we were all in.

Overall, cherish each friendship. Know who is truly your friend and who isn't. And most importantly, take away the lessons you need from them.  And finally, the true friends you have, don't let them go.

Rejection

Luke 24: “Truly I tell you,” he continued, “no prophet is accepted in his hometown."

I have been rejected by people for as long as I could remember. Rejected to people I loved dearly. Whether it has been an ex-boyfriend, a close friend, and even family members. To say it doesn't hurt, would be a lie. I am a pretty sensitive person. So when I have certain people in my life, because I'm not one for many friends, I hold you in a dear space in my heart. Ironically, even if you decide to mistreat me and reject me. I have had things assumed about me that were so far from the truth and made me seem as if my character would come into question. Due to my being rejected by so many over the years, I've given up on fighting to show my point of view. I have come to the realization that usually, once someone's mind is made up about you, it really won't change. They have to be willing to see the change themselves, or better yet just see the truth for what it is and not a skewered view. 

What makes it worse is when you are characterized as the villain in a story that you were actually innocent in. Phew, man do I have stories about this! I have been automatically labeled as a "bitch", "mean", "horrible person", "intimidating" (especially by men, smh). What's funny, when someone actually gets to know me, I usually get the following reaction: "Wow, you are a lot nicer than I thought you were." Sometimes, first impressions aren't always the correct impression, but generally, it is the lasting impression. 

I have decided instead of dealing with the rejection, to just step away. I realize that I can't please everyone and not a lot of people are meant to be around me in this season in my life. And that will just have to be okay. If there is something God wants to show someone about me that is in line with what He knows about me, then when the right time comes, they will come into my life. However, not everyone is meant to be in your life, at all. Others are just meant for a season. Very few, for a lifetime. That is just the reality of life. No matter how hard, I have to accept this for what it is.

The Journey Isn't Meant For Everyone

I had to learn that no matter how much you love someone or they love you, it doesn't mean that they are meant to be in your life for a lifetime! Some people are seasonal. Even though it hurts to let them go, you realize later on that it was meant to be. You can't grow with everyone. Some people may hinder your growth after a certain season. Sometimes, some people aren't meant to walk each season with you. I've learned this too. Some people are meant to leave for a while and then come back in at a time when you are both ready to grow together. It is funny because I have held on to people a little too tightly which made it harder when I realized I had no other choice but to let go. How do you let go? You pray. At least, that is what I have done. Some situations took me years before I was fully healed. Letting go has been hard. Especially when you have so much in a short span of time.

Next month will make 10 years since my mother's passing. I had to let go of some people prior her to her death, but her death-of course-was the hardest pain to deal with it and the quickest thing that I had to grow up from anymore. It made me realize a: I'm no longer a little girl. b: I lost my first best friend. c: All the things a girl dreams about with their Mom I will never get to do with her (my first pregnancy, her first grandchild, a wedding, etc.) This was something I had to live with for the rest of my life. To say that is an easy feat will be a complete lie. There are really very few things harder than losing your parent. The point I'm trying to make though is that I had to let go. Though a small part of me aches and still wishes that I could see her beautiful face and talk to my Mom, the other part had to realize it was better for her to go and the seasons that came after I had to face alone to grow.

In conclusion, appreciate each season you have with someone. Even if they leave, remember to cherish the good times and learn not to be bitter when there time in your life or in their life is over.

Trust issues

Raise your hand if you have trust issues? Oh, I know I do! I have had them since childhood but it surely reared its ugly head in my adult years. I have had so much betrayal, heartache, and pain that it has made it more difficult to let people in and easier to release folks.  What I've learned this past year, though, is that I can't expect perfection from human beings.  That should be obvious, right? However, for me it wasn't until now. Now, there are people you just know that no matter what you do, say, or how many chances given, they will take advantage.  But, what about the ones that are genuine,  they made a mistake or mistakes, are apologetic and actually mean it? Do you cut them off too?

This year, that question has come up quite often. In my hastiness to not be hurt, I let go of relationships that I probably shouldn't have. Others, I have held on to for too long that it destroyed other great relationships I had. Hence, the trust issues.  That's why the spirit of discernment is so important. So I have asked God, to correct my wrongs and heal my wounds. I also asked God to send me the right people in my life. The main thing I ask God now, whether past, present, and future,  to be accepting of the ones who come, only because I know that God sent them. That's a difficult place to be when you have dealt with so much in your own time. 

So what about when you have been hurt so much that you intentionally or unintentionally hurt others? How do you own up to that mistake? Be honest, be real. I had to be transparent about my own actions throughout the years. There are things that could of been handled differently, if I considered the other person's feelings and not just my own. It's difficult to look at yourself in the mirror and own up to your own mistakes. However, it's your responsibility to do so. It makes no sense going around in life being mean and hurtful, intentionally, because of your own hurt. Eventually, no one will be willing to stick around. It isn't always a great thing to be alone. 

Don't Give Up!

Don't give up! You can do this! There is light on the other side of this tunnel! There is hope! There is greatness! There is everything you can imagine if you don't give up!

It's so easy to not want to be bothered anymore. It is so easy to say that this is too hard and I don't want to do this but what if you pushed just a little bit more. What if you continued to persevere. Continued to believe. What if you didn't complain? What about an attitude of gratitude. I speak to myself while I'm typing this. I was falling into a sinking despair a few weeks ago where I just stopped believing. I stopped hoping. I just stopped. I got tired of hearing people trying to build me up and say that I got this. I got tired of hearing how strong I was and that this too shall pass. It gets better. God's got you. I didn't want to hear it. So much so, I tuned people out. I just heard all those negative voices instead. You know those words such as it won't get better, you won't make it, GIVE UP!

Isn't it sad the way negativity can win? It consumes you actual. That's what it was doing to me. So much so, I believed great things for everyone but myself. It is easy to do that by the way. However, it causes people to not want to deal with that spirit, that way of thinking and being. It drains you. I know it was doing it to me personally so imagine those around me how they felt. How my son felt. He is very intuitive and knows when Mommy isn't herself. I had to wake up to a new mindset yesterday, I spoke out loud and said enough is enough. I had a mantra in my head all weekend saying that I serve a God of more than enough. That was my reminder. Then throughout the weekend, I started seeing rainbows while driving. Instead of up in the sky though, it was on the road. God's promises to me won't come back void. He doesn't lie! And that is when I had to put the enemy in check. Today, as I drove my son to school, I saw another rainbow-this one in the sky! :-) Brighter days are ahead. Chin up, buttercup, it gets better. You will get through this! 

Do not be anxious...

I have learned in my lifetime if I don't follow God's will, a slippery slope follows. Somehow, I lost sight of that this year. I became anxious, fearful, and allowed myself to get in a position to abort the promises God had for me. Unfortunately, it took literally a year to realize this. I had what I had prayed for. I was happy in a relationship that I walked away from due to fear, anger, and misunderstanding. I allowed myself to look at the bad things and let it overshadow the good.

I later gave up my degree because things got hard in my personal life. I gave up friendships that at the time I thought I should because in my own hurt and fear it made sense, it seemed right, not realizing I was making a temporary problem a permanent solution. I had so many signs from God. Sermons about forgiveness, the orphan spirit mentioned during a fast I was doing with a prayer group that year, visions of what was to be and the decisions I made in the visions. I got clouded by fear and self-sabotage took its place. I allowed people that were never for me to make decisions for me, not realizing it was jealousy that drove their actions.  Before I realized it, I was on a path I wasn't supposed to take and I was in my own "wilderness period". A friend and I spoke about this weeks after my move to Georgia. Disobedience causes wilderness periods. I pointed blame, I became stressed, started losing weight, and nothing-I mean absolutely nothing-brought fruition. I lost my business, I lost my car, and nothing was prospering.

I started to fall in a season of hopelessness. I didn't believe the one thing I prayed and petition to God for would ever happen-Marriage. I wanted to be married so badly in my 20's. It is one of those things I wanted since I was a little girl. I stopped believing that I would ever be married anymore and truly thought I was content in that never happening. I put aside my dream of finishing my degree and decided to just work instead. I slowly stopped believing. I had made a vision board with some friend's this past new year and everything on the vision board (that I never finished) was no longer what I cared to believe in because I figured what was the point. I didn't realize it until a few weeks ago. I was praying and petitioning for things that were not happening. The things that were happening I didn't feel joy for the promises because I became I practically became numb to it. That's a dangerous place to be with God.

My cousin and friend really brought this to the forefront for me today. My cousin argued me down (for the third week in a row) to get her point across and my friend just got me all the way together. I realized that I was losing hope even in my current circumstances because I created them. I caused my heartache, my own frustration, my anxiety. I began feeling this tightening in my chest for the 3rd time this week and kept saying it was just anxiety. I felt God speaking to me about so many things and He pretty much told me this was of my own doing and free will (which my friend also mentioned). Now, what do I do about it? I apologized to God, really apologized and asked His forgiveness and told Him to do what He has to fix what I wrecked.

I say this to say, follow God's will. His will never steers you wrong. He does for us, not to condemn, but to help and to get us to the destiny and destination He has in store for us. Trust in the process. Remember who you are in God. If it is a God vision, it will come to pass. No one owes you anything, not even God. Take accountability and accept your mishaps and mistakes. Be quick to forgive and slow to anger. Stop negative talk, especially self-talk. For as bad as it is for you, someone else has it much worse. You are loved by God and He wants more than enough for you.

The anxiety isn't as great anymore and the chest tightness stopped. God is and that's my reminder. My life is far from perfect but God is greater than my mess.

Through The Difficult Times

It is easy for me to get discouraged and down about certain things. Usually, when I'm going through a difficult time a lot happens all at once. I feel bombarded. That pressure can frustrate me and make me feel like nothing is moving forward. When I see that things don't seem to be moving forward, I get hard on myself and discouraged. It is the worst feeling, especially as a single mother. There isn't someone around to share the troubles with. There isn't always someone to bounce ideas off of. It can literally feel like it is just me. I have to remember though, that I'm not alone. God is always here. He also has begun bringing the right people in my life to help my perspective and I'm thankful for that. This year I have been in a huge battle, spiritual, with where I am with God and what He is doing in my life. What is He trying to show me? What is he trying to tell me? This part of my life has been difficult. I realize though, I made it more difficult than necessary. If I would just clearly hear what He says, things shouldn't be this hard. When God is telling you something, telling you to do something, there is peace with it. It just flows, it isn't difficult.

My move back to Florida has been just that. Everything, down to how much I needed financially flowed, literally. I heard audibly across the state line "Welcome Home." However, the warfare has been great upon being here. God has straightened out most things once they come. I have to believe that something greater is on the horizon because I have come against a lot of opposition. For everything that seemed to flow seamlessly, another obstacle occurs. However, as soon as the obstacle occurs, I noticed God would show me a way out or navigate it for me. The Lesson: "Trust in the Lord, with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..." Proverbs 3:5 This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible and God is really showing me to trust Him. I've had so many issues with trust, He is pushing me to at this point. I just got to believe the difficulties will pass and the blessings not only will come on the other side but to acknowledge the blessings now...

Get to Happy!

It's easy to succumb to sadness, depression, hurt, pain and look at everything has gone wrong in your life and how you can fix or change it. I can relate. I am my biggest critic! Sometimes, that means looking at all the failures and mistakes and beating myself up. However, God doesn't work like that. He knows the mistakes we will make before we make them and still loves us the same. It is time we learn to love ourselves the same way. Love you for who you are! No one else can be like you, no one else is you! No one else is you Nathifa! Sometimes, it is necessary to have a self pep-talk.

Life is hard. Obstacles get in the way. Life throws you curveballs that you didn't see coming. You can look over your life and replay how you could have changed this situation here, or if I didn't tell so and so this, maybe...it is so easy to fall into this trap of madness! Perfectionist, like myself, are the worst ones. I have moments to myself such as: If I didn't move here, my life would be here instead...One example of this is my nursing degree. For those who knows me personally knows I'm a Licensed Practical Nurse. And I'm damned proud! However, I wanted to become a Registered Nurse since I was 16. Well life, threw curveballs at me. The first time I realized this, I was already in a Medical Assistant program in high school and my grades weren't high enough to attend the Licensed Practical Nursing program back then. No worries. Fast forward to college, I had a 3.4 GPA, after going around in circles about taking certain pre-requisites for the nursing program. When the time came for me to take my entrance exam, after three excruciating years of pre-reqs and working 2 jobs, I decided that the test was too hard, I didn't study, and I chose to not take it at the last minute. I remember my Mom asking me why would I do that? I panicked! Like, panicked something terrible. I also thought I had time. I had no idea the following year my mother would be diagnosed with a disease that would take her life the same year. Nor did I expect to be in an abusive relationship. I didn't expect the pregnancy the following year, just 6 months of her passing. I didn't know that life was going throw so much junk into the mix! You name it: I was abused emotionally, mentally, and the physical was about to raise its ugly head. I eventually got out of it and the other things like my savings being depleted, the water turned off, lights cut off, living in an empty shell of a home with a 2-month-old and the other parent not helping. I soon became a single, homeless, mother.

Circumstances came in like a flood! But, I just knew that I knew I was supposed to become a nurse. So I moved to Florida. That, in itself, was the most beautiful, horrible, gut-wrenching, life-changing, breath of fresh air years of my life. I mean I had hit many a low and went many a high. I moved on with my life and eventually went back to school. This time with a different mindset, even though I was still in yet another struggle of single motherhood and eviction! Yep, the beginning of the LPN program started off very, very rough. Add a breakup (that later made up, smh), with some help from friends and some help not from friends, and eventually, I had major support from the group mentioned above and I got through. I literally made it. I had to sacrifice a great deal to get to that point. My son was gone for most of the following summer with my Dad and cousins (he was only 4). I had missed his birthday because I went from dropping him off first thing in the morning, going to work, then to school, and bringing him a cupcake 9:30 at night. The struggle of it all made a full circle when I walked across the stage. How, do I get to the next step of RN though?

I went ahead and decided to go back to school right away (BIG MISTAKE)! I was starting a new job (not nursing), studying for boards, and taking 5 classes. All while still single parenting. Not my best decision. I reaped the consequences of that pretty quickly. Although I did well with work and passed my boards, I failed 3 classes miserably and barely passed the fourth, and dropped the 5th class. Bit off way more than I could possibly chew.

So, I finally got a chance 2 years later to finally get this RN program down and finished. I was so excited when I got an email from my old Nursing school with their partnership with another school. Night program, I could work it around my work my schedule, and my son was in school so it should be easy this time right? Wrong! I was going through a horrible break up. I was distancing myself from different people, I felt like I was going through my own personal hell. To stop crying, I threw myself into work and school. Outside of my son, that is literally all I felt I had. I was unhappy and felt alone. I just thought that this would at least be my saving grace. The first semester was difficult and I barely passed. The second semester seemed to go off without a hitch but I began having so much financial trouble. It seemed after Hurricane Irma, I just couldn't get my bills together. My son was in daycare but the owner became a flake and was doing things I couldn't agree upon. I had to report her. Which meant, my work schedule and school schedule went down the tubes. My finances were drying up quickly and couldn't understand what and why this was happening now...

Here I am 6 months later. My graduation would of been this month and I would of finished the nursing program the day before my birthday. I had so many other things happen since (I won't discuss today) and it just made me feel like my hope was gone. However, with God He can restore your hope, your joy, your peace! I know that I'm not just writing this for others but I'm also writing it for myself. It's not worth it to beat up yourself about the mistakes. All you can do now is move forward. What's done is done! What has happened, happened.

I have a new start this upcoming week. It hasn't fully hit yet but probably will when it begins. This time I'll put one foot in front of the other. I'll keep my eyes focused on the One who knows all. I'll be the best Mommy I can be. It is time to get back my joy and get back to happy!

Hurt People, Hurt People

I have spoken on this topic over the years.  It rings as true then as it does now
Hurt people truly hurt people.  They take out the way they were treated by someone and project that hurt on to you as a sort of payback.  This happens in relationships,  friendships,  between family members,  even at work and school.

Think about it? Where you ever bullied in school? I know I was.  That experience carried with me to Junior High School and I was ready to fight at any given time.  I was resentful and had a chip on my shoulder.  By high school, I was just angry and ready to fight. I felt I had so much strength in me, that if I fought a female I would kill her. That type of aggression isn't good. I had to learn to channel it. Dance became my outlet from an early age but it still existed. 

Life is funny though, when I became a young adult, I didn't realize how much people were hurting me and I was hurting them. I would be quick to argue, cut someone off, curse someone out without a second thought. I would cut ties and walk away. When people did it to me, I would be upset and cry and talk about it to others, but over time I just let the person do them. I would never show my tears though (I really believed for years that tears were a sign of weakness). All of this changed after I had my son. I had a harder time cutting people off without a second thought. Part of it was because I didn't want to be alone (I felt that way after my Mom's passing and my failed relationship with my son's father plus the abuse left deep scars that were hard to hide). As I became older,  I noticed I clung to people who didn't want anything to do with me. Or worse, I became friends and had relationships with others that didn't think well of me. Would say hurtful things for sport. Somethings I would brush off, others I would mull over, or sometimes I would snap. 

It became worse when I brought back the same people in my life that I knew have done horrible things to me and I to them. I may have made amends with the person, put it behind me, but they aren't over it. Add what I've done to what others may have done and now this person is harboring hurt, anger, pain, jealousy, envy, and even hatred in their heart for me and anyone else that crosses them. That's a huge mistake we make as a people at times. Differentiating and discerning why you are so angry at the person who you supposedly forgave so long ago? 

What about relationships? You know, the ones when you enter into a new relationship with old baggage and habits. You begin to do the comparison game. You intentionally or unintentionally sabotage the relationship in question by your actions, by your big mouth. Oh, I've been there. I was the giver and the receiver for these things. 

If you are hurt, figure it out, get counseling, do something but don't, DO NOT, bring it to another person that doesn't deserve it. Even if they do deserve it, so what! What would that do for you to intentionally hurt someone else, other than cause more pain and suffering? No one in this world is perfect, of course. We all know we have done horrible things to people we love, people we care for. Things you can't take back. Let's be the ones to hold ourselves accountable. Stand in the mirror and really take a deep look at yourself to see the things you have done to someone else. Did that person really deserve that backlash? Did that person deserve the cold shoulder? Complete silence? Or the screaming match you wanted to start up about something that happened months ago? Was that payback, that revenge, really worth it? Instead of hurting people hurting people, let's be healing people healing people. And let's start this today by taking honest looks at ourselves and our own actions.

You can't change anyone else but you.