Trust issues

Raise your hand if you have trust issues? Oh, I know I do! I have had them since childhood but it surely reared its ugly head in my adult years. I have had so much betrayal, heartache, and pain that it has made it more difficult to let people in and easier to release folks.  What I've learned this past year, though, is that I can't expect perfection from human beings.  That should be obvious, right? However, for me it wasn't until now. Now, there are people you just know that no matter what you do, say, or how many chances given, they will take advantage.  But, what about the ones that are genuine,  they made a mistake or mistakes, are apologetic and actually mean it? Do you cut them off too?

This year, that question has come up quite often. In my hastiness to not be hurt, I let go of relationships that I probably shouldn't have. Others, I have held on to for too long that it destroyed other great relationships I had. Hence, the trust issues.  That's why the spirit of discernment is so important. So I have asked God, to correct my wrongs and heal my wounds. I also asked God to send me the right people in my life. The main thing I ask God now, whether past, present, and future,  to be accepting of the ones who come, only because I know that God sent them. That's a difficult place to be when you have dealt with so much in your own time. 

So what about when you have been hurt so much that you intentionally or unintentionally hurt others? How do you own up to that mistake? Be honest, be real. I had to be transparent about my own actions throughout the years. There are things that could of been handled differently, if I considered the other person's feelings and not just my own. It's difficult to look at yourself in the mirror and own up to your own mistakes. However, it's your responsibility to do so. It makes no sense going around in life being mean and hurtful, intentionally, because of your own hurt. Eventually, no one will be willing to stick around. It isn't always a great thing to be alone. 

Don't Give Up!

Don't give up! You can do this! There is light on the other side of this tunnel! There is hope! There is greatness! There is everything you can imagine if you don't give up!

It's so easy to not want to be bothered anymore. It is so easy to say that this is too hard and I don't want to do this but what if you pushed just a little bit more. What if you continued to persevere. Continued to believe. What if you didn't complain? What about an attitude of gratitude. I speak to myself while I'm typing this. I was falling into a sinking despair a few weeks ago where I just stopped believing. I stopped hoping. I just stopped. I got tired of hearing people trying to build me up and say that I got this. I got tired of hearing how strong I was and that this too shall pass. It gets better. God's got you. I didn't want to hear it. So much so, I tuned people out. I just heard all those negative voices instead. You know those words such as it won't get better, you won't make it, GIVE UP!

Isn't it sad the way negativity can win? It consumes you actual. That's what it was doing to me. So much so, I believed great things for everyone but myself. It is easy to do that by the way. However, it causes people to not want to deal with that spirit, that way of thinking and being. It drains you. I know it was doing it to me personally so imagine those around me how they felt. How my son felt. He is very intuitive and knows when Mommy isn't herself. I had to wake up to a new mindset yesterday, I spoke out loud and said enough is enough. I had a mantra in my head all weekend saying that I serve a God of more than enough. That was my reminder. Then throughout the weekend, I started seeing rainbows while driving. Instead of up in the sky though, it was on the road. God's promises to me won't come back void. He doesn't lie! And that is when I had to put the enemy in check. Today, as I drove my son to school, I saw another rainbow-this one in the sky! :-) Brighter days are ahead. Chin up, buttercup, it gets better. You will get through this! 

Do not be anxious...

I have learned in my lifetime if I don't follow God's will, a slippery slope follows. Somehow, I lost sight of that this year. I became anxious, fearful, and allowed myself to get in a position to abort the promises God had for me. Unfortunately, it took literally a year to realize this. I had what I had prayed for. I was happy in a relationship that I walked away from due to fear, anger, and misunderstanding. I allowed myself to look at the bad things and let it overshadow the good.

I later gave up my degree because things got hard in my personal life. I gave up friendships that at the time I thought I should because in my own hurt and fear it made sense, it seemed right, not realizing I was making a temporary problem a permanent solution. I had so many signs from God. Sermons about forgiveness, the orphan spirit mentioned during a fast I was doing with a prayer group that year, visions of what was to be and the decisions I made in the visions. I got clouded by fear and self-sabotage took its place. I allowed people that were never for me to make decisions for me, not realizing it was jealousy that drove their actions.  Before I realized it, I was on a path I wasn't supposed to take and I was in my own "wilderness period". A friend and I spoke about this weeks after my move to Georgia. Disobedience causes wilderness periods. I pointed blame, I became stressed, started losing weight, and nothing-I mean absolutely nothing-brought fruition. I lost my business, I lost my car, and nothing was prospering.

I started to fall in a season of hopelessness. I didn't believe the one thing I prayed and petition to God for would ever happen-Marriage. I wanted to be married so badly in my 20's. It is one of those things I wanted since I was a little girl. I stopped believing that I would ever be married anymore and truly thought I was content in that never happening. I put aside my dream of finishing my degree and decided to just work instead. I slowly stopped believing. I had made a vision board with some friend's this past new year and everything on the vision board (that I never finished) was no longer what I cared to believe in because I figured what was the point. I didn't realize it until a few weeks ago. I was praying and petitioning for things that were not happening. The things that were happening I didn't feel joy for the promises because I became I practically became numb to it. That's a dangerous place to be with God.

My cousin and friend really brought this to the forefront for me today. My cousin argued me down (for the third week in a row) to get her point across and my friend just got me all the way together. I realized that I was losing hope even in my current circumstances because I created them. I caused my heartache, my own frustration, my anxiety. I began feeling this tightening in my chest for the 3rd time this week and kept saying it was just anxiety. I felt God speaking to me about so many things and He pretty much told me this was of my own doing and free will (which my friend also mentioned). Now, what do I do about it? I apologized to God, really apologized and asked His forgiveness and told Him to do what He has to fix what I wrecked.

I say this to say, follow God's will. His will never steers you wrong. He does for us, not to condemn, but to help and to get us to the destiny and destination He has in store for us. Trust in the process. Remember who you are in God. If it is a God vision, it will come to pass. No one owes you anything, not even God. Take accountability and accept your mishaps and mistakes. Be quick to forgive and slow to anger. Stop negative talk, especially self-talk. For as bad as it is for you, someone else has it much worse. You are loved by God and He wants more than enough for you.

The anxiety isn't as great anymore and the chest tightness stopped. God is and that's my reminder. My life is far from perfect but God is greater than my mess.